right. well, joanne was kinda right this time. it was my last chance. i dont know what i'm going to do. i wish he was my friend. it would make things uber easier. damnit! i hate this. friggin...blah! i got to see my sweet lover for a whole week. SEVEN FULL SPANKiN` DAYS! score, dooders. and you know what?! i wasted all 168 hours just watching all my opportunities fly by. i hate being so afraid!! i hate all of this! grr! i just want to tell him, "doode, i like you" but NOOO i have to be a friggin chicken wuss. damnit. hate fear. its weird...the first time i saw him was exactly seven months ago. at the fall concert rehersal. mang! i had to come early. damn all this madness!! um...well, prom day. that was really stressful for me. i didnt even attend and i was stressed. all night. i kept thinking about if he went. who'd he go with? and it turns out that all my worrying was for absolutely nothing. thanks to abigail who asks questions in a not obvious way i found that he didnt even go. i think that's sad. he didnt go to his senior prom. but, i think that its okay that he missed it. not because i'd rather he didnt go because i'd kill me. but because he did something better. he hung out with his friends at a themepark, and i think that that's probably more fun for him than going to a fancy dance where he probably wouldnt get up from his seat. um...rehersal. i got to see him. just for a minute or two, but it was enough for me. i said something in earshot of him and he looked at me. that's a plus! hehe. um...concert day! omg, bell choir was freakin awesome. i loved the last song. it was so cool. sounded like a videogame. awesomeness, i swear. its funny how calm some people were. i'm sorry for laughing through some performances. its just funny sometimes. boys choir was awesome too. no wonder fai quit. i wouldnt wanna do that either. um...o yeah! i was heller pissed at my daddy. he didnt tape bell choir. and he didnt tape the boys either! now i cant watch alex dance. all from memory now. tragedy! um...and on to today. nothing special. i got to walk with my lover after lunch. we was going to the french room and i came from downstairs. we kinda just slid right next to each other. i wonder if he did it on purpose! b/c he didnt really do anything in the french room. and he did see me through the glass doors when i was on the stairs! muahhaaha...he loves me (let me dream, please please please). oh well. it was my last chance. i'll tell him someday. maybe..
mang! i am so behind in everything now. i have that stupid paragragh thing due on tuesday or wednesday. stupid english class! boyette also had to remember about the greek myths too. i am going to fail english. im going to die! gaah!! plus! i feel really weird lately. i dont think i like fai anymore. seriously. i just...i erno. i was thinking about it last night. i was thinking about how much i missed him. and, i actually kind of didnt. i dunno. gah! this is a bad bad month. o but yay!! no school on monday! thank goshness. and and !! field day on friday! plus ryan is going to the prom!! i hope that i get a pikture! i betteR! aw..i hope he has fun. he better dance. dang! i gotta work.
This is horrible! i've stopped blogging. bad bad kimmy. well, nothing has really happened. i've decided to tell fai. but, how? i have no idea. plus! my artistic skills are going up! yippie! well, i gotta go...sorry
SUCH A BORING WEEK!! i need to do my homework!! eek!! fai...haha...
good thing! this day is finally over! yay!! but tomorrow. thats a tuffy. why? b/c i dont have to go to my grandma's house today, and i have nothing planned. i could go watch a movie. but with who? or i could do my homework and be a good little girl and have all of sunday to sleep. hm...tuffy tuffy. well, this day was a f'cking tuffy!! gah! first!! i thought jo was pissed at me. but she wasnt. its our second fight that we thought the other was seriously pissed at the other, so they were afraid to say something, so neither talked. blah! we are so dumb. second!! no seniors. no fun. third!! no talking w/ joanne's infatuations. fourth!! told brother secret. it feels good to have this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. but, now its freakin replaced by another fear. what does he think of me now? i can tell he's disappointed. i dunno what else. he acted kinda different after i told him. like...distant. more than ever. but, not really. wait.. gah. i dunno. dinner was kinda distant. until this fat bastard sat behind me and squished me against the table. gahh! then, my brother freed me from the madness and moved the table for me. that was like...a reconnection for me. thank god. then, after dinner we went driving at hilltop. whee! manual is fun! okay. day's over. now i'm waiting to see if joanne stayed awake. doubt it....
what a horrible dayy. i was thinking about how tomorrow is supposed to be my last day. and, it really cant be because tomorrow is SR. focus day. so, i wont even see him. so, yeah. today really is my last day. makes me feel so sad. i never should have joined choir. if i never joined, i never would have seen him. i never would have went to that stupid choir rehersal. i never would never've liked him. gosh damnit...but i did. and i do. mahn. on saturday, it will be six months that i've liked him. there must be just...something about him that keeps me so infatuated with him. i dont know what it is though. i just feel like going up to him and telling him how i feel. i know that would completely scare the hell out of him, though. i dont know...i think i make him uneasy. i make him feel afraid. he's uncomfortable around me! and that just..hurts me. i want him to smile when he sees me. i want him to feel nervous if he sees me, not because he's afraid i'll go and do something to him, but i..i just want him to feel what i feel for him. i want him to like me.
its just...been hard today. i dont know what i'm supposed to do anymore. i feel so...lonely. i feel like i cant talk to anyone anymore. cept for abigail, but i dont wanna dump all my stupid problems on her. she had enough going on. and if i cant talk to jo right now. i dunno if she was kidding or not, but i dont know if she realized it, but these past two days have just killed me. she...she said he looked afraid. afriad. how am i supposed to live with that?! i dont want him to be afraid of me. i just...wish i never saw him. i dont want how i feel to go deeper than this. i mean, what if i actually do fall really hard for him? what if he somehow talks to me and we become friends? he'll just leave me in the end. not that that could happen anyways...
sorry to let you down christian. today, i most definitely cried...
Wherever you go, you know I'll be there
If you go far, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there
You place the name you know I'll be there
You name the time you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there
I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you
When there's the truth,
you know I'll be there
Amongst the lies,
you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere,
So I'll see you there
I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I'll be there for you
If you should fall, you know I'll be there
To catch the call, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, So I'll see you there
I don't care if you don't mind
I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, Keep in mind
I don’t care
I’ll be there for you
and i will continue to love this song forever and ever. it reminds me of fai. big time. hmm..wonderful day today, how `bout chu?! lunch time made me smile heller. big fai moment occured. tee hee...thank you joanne. i love you forever for pushing me. well...not for actually pushing me outside the gibson, but for pushing me to actually go and say something to him. thank you. hmm...idiot's backpack was freakin open. what a loser. why do i continue to like stupid people? o well. i cant help the emotions.
i really want to go to the dance! i dont know why. i just...want to. i just want a night out. i want to go hang out with my friends. i want just one night of being completely stupid. but..i know that this wont happen at the dance. no one ever goes to the dance. at least, not any of my friends. well, i know that misty is going. and melissa cancio, but who else? i wont spend any time with them most likely. so, whats the point? gahh...next year. next year...
f`kin asset projekt!! grr!! how i despise it so. evil evil! lol jk. well, i looked over my essay today. it doesnt seem like an essay at all. just another...journal entry. o well. yeahh..i made up the whole "pre-write" thingy. what is a pre-write exactly? i always thought that a pre-write was just a rough draft. gah. whatever. ohh chyah, no mrs. boyette today. heavenly, aye? yes, very. :] hm.
tsubasa!! yayness. i love ryan so much. he downloaded tsubasa for me. gotta love older brothers, hmm? well, i love mine! haha...i just watched it like...half an hour ago. wonderful. amazing. awesome! very very. everytime that fai came on screen, i was all smily. hehe. gah! they spelt Fai's name different!! they spelt it "Fye". what's up with that?!
``i have a crush on an older gay guy.`` -summerland. (whoa...sounds awfully familiar...)
Today's the Macy's Day Parade
The night of the living dead is on its way
With a credit report for duty call
It's a lifetime guarantee
Stuffed in a coffin 10 percent more free
Red light special at the mausoleum
Give me a something that I need
Satisfaction guaranteed to you
What's the consolation prize
economy sized dreams of hope
When I was a kid I thought
I wanted all the things that I haven't got
Oh but I learned the hardest way
Then I realized what it took
To tell the difference between thieves and crooks
A lesson learned and me and you
Give me something that I need
Satisfaction guarantee
'Cause I'm thinking about a brand new hope
The one I've never known
'Cause now I know it's all that I wanted
What's the consolation prize
economy sized dreams of hope
Give me something that I need
Satisfaction guaranteed
'Cause I'm thinking about a brand new hope
The one I've never known
And where it goes
And I'm thinking about the only road
The one I've never known and where it goes
my my, i am so obsessed with that song right now. love green day. i cant believe i`ve turned so rocker this year. well, not really. just more than i`ve ever been. i never thought of myself ever being rocker. not that i'm completely rocker or anything. but, i like being this way. its just.. i feel comfortable being this way. goshness. i hate that i wasnt allowed to learn how to play the drums. i wish i was able to learn when i was younger. or even now, but i dont think i have what it takes. gah. freakin lucky cameron. i wish i could play the drums. haha...ryan just blamed me for getting poprocks & coke stuck in his head. :[
i didnt know how much my cousin hated us. or how much she lied! my my. its horrible to see such a thing. but i didn`t really expect much from her anyways. she`s different from the rest of us. i dont know why, she just..is. i've seen her myspace lately, and i'm not really all to happy with it. what i think is weird is that she blogs every dayy. waste of time, if you ask me. even though i used to blog everyday also, but that was only christmas vaca!! u cant hold against me, there wasnt anything to do!! hm...chyahh. i read her blog about yesterday (saturday). she said that we went to the mall, and she had seen some cute guys. problem is that we didnt leave my grandma's house at all yesterday. in fact, she was asleep most of the day. so how could she have seen any guys at all, unless they were in her head...maybe she dreamed that we went to the mall and cant distinguish dreams from reality! :[ how tragic. yeahh. and then she blogged about grandmothers. our, ours at least. she has a funky memory. she said that she used to think that our grandma was one of the coolest people..but i dont recall her ever liking our grandma. :/
gah! i was ever so pissed off today when i went to barnes&noble!! gah! hate it when kids go to the manga section and just plop themself down right infront of the shelves. they blocked imadoki!! grr!! i wanted to read the fourth one!! i skipped it because i was anxious to read the fifth one (ending is v. disappointing). yeahh..and these three youngins were sitting down together, backs facing the shelves. completely blinding me from the bottoms shelf. grr...and i hate socializing. especially if i'm about to scream at them for blocking the bottom three shelves. grr!
well...gotta "active read" now...hate--oh my bad, sorry, dislike-- religion class
gahh! this whole week has been unreal. frigg`n nightmare, more like. didnt have school on monday. my last day of delicious freedom. then horrible tuesday came. i heller missed everyone, damnit!! but when i got there, i didnt feel so close as before. we didnt talk much. we were kinda...horribly distant. then wednesday. mangg that was such a disappointment. no fai. no happy moments what-so-ever. no nothing. just major disappointments, anger, moodiness, complaining, and all that bad stuff including a mild case of stage fright while reciting a dumb poem that i will not need at all in my future. :[ yes, sucked very much. bleh. today wasnt that much better. it was a late day plus mass schedule. so only 30 minute classes. minus mr. woods' class. thank god. so we had mass. it was horrible. at that moment, i was already really pissed off. for most of the mass, i was completely squished between abby and jo. gosh, there were wayy too many people in the back row. i was hella mad. i finally got to mass early enough to sit in the wonderful,spaceous back row, and it was just ruined by overpopulation. bleh! i was so pissed. my legs heller hurted b/c i had to keep them from leaning on everyone else, while trying to not kick charles or squish anyone else. i think it was all in vain though. everyone else seemed to have heller room. people on the left side of amber seemed comfy, and the people on my left were just slouching and had their legs all open wide. stupid, inconsiderate, oblivious, dumbass boys and how they sit. i hate them. they're all idiots. yeah! it seemed like poor abby and i were the only ones who were suffering and trying to make everyone comfy. sorry abby! u had to sit all the way on the edge of the seat. if i did that simultaneously, we wouldnt fit at all. i shoulda sat down while the songs were going on. cause there wasnt enough room for me to stand up. if we succeeded in making everyone face sideways, i think we woulda fit. o well. damn stupid boys. complaining is finished now. be happy.
jo is high. verry veryy high.
i miss fai... :[
name: kim
age: 14
grade: freshmen
location: hercules, ca
1 thing i will always love: manga
1 thing i will always hate: smoking
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